my O's be burstin

yesterday was a strange day...i get sick often so when i woke up with a small fever i didn't think anything about it, except i called out of work. around 12:30 i collapsed in my hallway, gripping my abdomen, telling colleen i'm in excruciating pain. she says "i have to go" and leaves. (kidding coll, you're way more sensey than that). but then i call my mom and she thinks it's appendicitis, so she goes "get to the ER, now."

y'all, i've never been to the ER. but i knew i wanted this pain to go away. i'm hunched over in a torrential downpour walking to my friend's house so i can take his car. long story short, i end up at the ER, get blood/urine taken, and proceed to wait for 4.5 hours. i get a ct scan, an IV hooked up to me (umm, OUCH when they can't find your vein & are diggin' around for a good amount of time in your hand).

i watch a walk to remember in the hospital, get warm blankets put ontop of me, and cry a little. doc comes in with no appendicitis! but ovarian cyst ruptured. uh? skuzz me?

even though it was a lonely and at times painfully boring day, i really did feel at peace the whole time. i mean, yeah i did cry a lil hysterically when my phone died, could not update my momma, and malicious needles were running around underneath my skin. or when mr. nurse was putting iodine into my bloodflow and the ct scan room was intimidating.

but i will choose to describe the encouraging and engaging parts of my field trip to rockingham memorial hospital. like when i was shivering, watching a walk to remember, and mr. nurse lays a warm blanket that is radiating heat over my body and i verbally & literally say out loud "jesus, that is a really nice man." or how about the angelic paramedic who had an aura of gentleness, peace, and servanthood. i ask her if she is a nurse and we get talking. she tells me how she is a volunteer paramedic and a paid one in staunton. she continues & tells me how she has sent three people this week to be airlifted because of traumatic accidents. wow she is really brave.

one of me & jesus's "things," kind of like inside jokes but more just inside "things." well one is when i go, if jesus had a profession/job, what would it be? i like to encourage and motivate my mom by letting her know that jesus would be a social worker at the department of public welfare (because i do believe that) and yesterday was a day of, "ohhh, yup. also a paramedic."

mr. nurse and angelic paramedic were truly delightful and made my lonely visit really nice. another blessing was the song that came on the disney channel: "man or muppet" i found it hilarious and appreciated it.

so all in all, ER life is difficult, depressing, and dreary. but it is also life giving, in the most literal sense, and also in the spiritual. of course i wanted my mom right beside me, babying me, and tenderly helping me because i so desired that. but i am trying with every ounce in me to see the shittiest of situations in the prettiest of ways. i always want to know that a muppet commercial can cheer me up, a blanket can shower me with warmth, and a radiant young woman's soft conversation can give me just the right amount of courage to keep going. i am courageous, not because of circumstance, but because of companionship with yahweh. i will swim lengths and dive deep to find bravery to face today, tomorrow, and especially my past. i have a lot of anxiety, pain, and fear but like i said before, i will stomp on satan's schemes to not give him that satisfaction.

not having twitter is really hard

tonight was the spotswood basketball game. for all y'all out of state or distance blog readers (lol), i am a younglife leader at a local high school in harrisonburg, VA called Spotswood. home of the blazers. sometimes we joke and call it spotsweed or potswood blazers. marijuana's a big deal here.

but tonight was a regional game to go to states... and we lost by one point.

i told my younglife teammate i am so thankful we lost (even though in the midst i was going crazy, making any excuse to act like i am a big deal, because MY girls' bball team could go to states). but i am thankful because we all got a glimpse of brokenness. a taste of dissatisfaction. and with 3.6 seconds back on the clock, i made sure i took pictures to remember this night.

i was definitely caught up in the excitement of it all until we lost and i realized how we are caught up in idols, achievements, false worth.

but i also realized how it is okay to be caught up in the moment. i love that my head was dizzy and my legs were shaking because i couldn't stand the anticipation and nothing else mattered. being in a sea of highschoolers, praying over every individual in the gym, and feeling too many emotions for a couple minutes. i am lucky to have felt that.

UGH, the tension. so rebecca: are you saying you are grateful for tonight because you felt lots of emotions and felt like the luckiest girl in the world, or are you burdened by the weight of this world and the brokenness in which we put our hope and worth in?

both.

after the game, i dropped off three girls. giggling, talking about their school crushes (four wheelies--they "like" someone based off of how much they text! times are a'changin).

i drove back to my teammates house (because i borrow his car, thanks bud). and he knew i was moved with emotion. we walked to the back of his house, found two chairs in the dark, sat and looked at each other. surrounded by beer bottles, a muddy landscape, and barely any light to see each other, we were moved to pray. we prayed deep prayers of plea, gratitude, wonder, majesty. i could not hold back my tears and i let 'em rip (ew, really?). but i could not stop crying because i repeated truth that i have problems believing, yet i could not stop clinging and gripping onto hope. our prayers were dark, deep, sincere and i am lucky. will you bring me back to the backyard in deep peace and prayer because i need you?