Vitamin C is Good for me.

Today I was eating lunch at home; alone, without my phone, without my laptop, and without music. It sounds absurd I have to clarify, but I am the first to admit I feel guilty if I am not active...in whatever. if I am not reading, talking, writing, going, doing, doing doing. so I was eating an orange and I thought to myself "How do I feel about this orange?" I want to do that more, because this question offered a lot of room for small celebrations. My answers were along the lines of, "It's absolutely delicious, and it is messy. It is bright in color, and it smells nice. It is good for me." and I could not help but continue to think about things that are good for me.

I write this in the sheer fact that I am so, SO easily prone to ALWAYS indulge and impulsively pick things that are not good for me. Yea, I am talking about sin, but I am also talking about just dumb desires or ideas of what I want and when I want it and how to get it. But how good does it feel when we pick things that are natural and innately good for us?

I wish I had discipline, and I think it is appropriate to explore in this season of Lent what it means to pick things that are good for us, even when we don't necessarily think they are a big deal, like eating an orange, and especially when we do not want to choose those things.

I certainly do not think that choosing good things means we should wallow in the ways we choose bad. Because in that case, I'd be screwed. Do you REALIZE how excited I am for 7:45 so I can go get cake batter froyo with a mountain of rainbow sprinkles, reeses chunks, and cookie dough pieces? And in a way, I think it is good for me...in the way that I get to have great conversation over it and the way I am passionate about something so dumb as to a dessert.

Also, you seriously-could-not pay me enough to stop watching Khloe & Lamar. And I'll admit, I don't know how I could even try to make a case and say that is good for me. So, yes, I choose bad things. I think that is why good things feel so powerful to me.

So what is good for you? What ignites a passion or gets your mind wandering in a peaceful manner? What brings you to the core of who the Father has created you to be? Most of the time, I choose things that are good for me in long-term ways....such as a major I am passionate for, school opportunities, and so forth. But I am more talking about what is good for you today? Remember, the present is a present. It's a gift...Where are your gifts today?

My gift was in my sweet, delicious orange. Also, in the book I am currently reading: Reaching Out by Henri Nouwen. Out of reading this book comes learning about prayer, which is good for me. Another gift is the Penguin Cafe Orchestra station I am listening to on Pandora, because it is instrumental, calming, and creates room for me to insert my own lyrics.

These are three silly things that are good for me. Which only consisted of about an hour of my day, total. Could you imagine how incredibly full my life would be if things that are good for me took up most of my day? It is not that the rest of my day was in vain; it consisted of ministry, school, cleaning, singing, a little dancing, walking. but things that are good for me on a very small scale...a VERY small scale...make me feel less cluttered and more aware of the nourishment I need everyday that pertain to me, Rebecca.

O how all good things come from You. Will you reveal to me what is good for me and give me the strength to choose so?

my O's be burstin

yesterday was a strange day...i get sick often so when i woke up with a small fever i didn't think anything about it, except i called out of work. around 12:30 i collapsed in my hallway, gripping my abdomen, telling colleen i'm in excruciating pain. she says "i have to go" and leaves. (kidding coll, you're way more sensey than that). but then i call my mom and she thinks it's appendicitis, so she goes "get to the ER, now."

y'all, i've never been to the ER. but i knew i wanted this pain to go away. i'm hunched over in a torrential downpour walking to my friend's house so i can take his car. long story short, i end up at the ER, get blood/urine taken, and proceed to wait for 4.5 hours. i get a ct scan, an IV hooked up to me (umm, OUCH when they can't find your vein & are diggin' around for a good amount of time in your hand).

i watch a walk to remember in the hospital, get warm blankets put ontop of me, and cry a little. doc comes in with no appendicitis! but ovarian cyst ruptured. uh? skuzz me?

even though it was a lonely and at times painfully boring day, i really did feel at peace the whole time. i mean, yeah i did cry a lil hysterically when my phone died, could not update my momma, and malicious needles were running around underneath my skin. or when mr. nurse was putting iodine into my bloodflow and the ct scan room was intimidating.

but i will choose to describe the encouraging and engaging parts of my field trip to rockingham memorial hospital. like when i was shivering, watching a walk to remember, and mr. nurse lays a warm blanket that is radiating heat over my body and i verbally & literally say out loud "jesus, that is a really nice man." or how about the angelic paramedic who had an aura of gentleness, peace, and servanthood. i ask her if she is a nurse and we get talking. she tells me how she is a volunteer paramedic and a paid one in staunton. she continues & tells me how she has sent three people this week to be airlifted because of traumatic accidents. wow she is really brave.

one of me & jesus's "things," kind of like inside jokes but more just inside "things." well one is when i go, if jesus had a profession/job, what would it be? i like to encourage and motivate my mom by letting her know that jesus would be a social worker at the department of public welfare (because i do believe that) and yesterday was a day of, "ohhh, yup. also a paramedic."

mr. nurse and angelic paramedic were truly delightful and made my lonely visit really nice. another blessing was the song that came on the disney channel: "man or muppet" i found it hilarious and appreciated it.

so all in all, ER life is difficult, depressing, and dreary. but it is also life giving, in the most literal sense, and also in the spiritual. of course i wanted my mom right beside me, babying me, and tenderly helping me because i so desired that. but i am trying with every ounce in me to see the shittiest of situations in the prettiest of ways. i always want to know that a muppet commercial can cheer me up, a blanket can shower me with warmth, and a radiant young woman's soft conversation can give me just the right amount of courage to keep going. i am courageous, not because of circumstance, but because of companionship with yahweh. i will swim lengths and dive deep to find bravery to face today, tomorrow, and especially my past. i have a lot of anxiety, pain, and fear but like i said before, i will stomp on satan's schemes to not give him that satisfaction.

not having twitter is really hard

tonight was the spotswood basketball game. for all y'all out of state or distance blog readers (lol), i am a younglife leader at a local high school in harrisonburg, VA called Spotswood. home of the blazers. sometimes we joke and call it spotsweed or potswood blazers. marijuana's a big deal here.

but tonight was a regional game to go to states... and we lost by one point.

i told my younglife teammate i am so thankful we lost (even though in the midst i was going crazy, making any excuse to act like i am a big deal, because MY girls' bball team could go to states). but i am thankful because we all got a glimpse of brokenness. a taste of dissatisfaction. and with 3.6 seconds back on the clock, i made sure i took pictures to remember this night.

i was definitely caught up in the excitement of it all until we lost and i realized how we are caught up in idols, achievements, false worth.

but i also realized how it is okay to be caught up in the moment. i love that my head was dizzy and my legs were shaking because i couldn't stand the anticipation and nothing else mattered. being in a sea of highschoolers, praying over every individual in the gym, and feeling too many emotions for a couple minutes. i am lucky to have felt that.

UGH, the tension. so rebecca: are you saying you are grateful for tonight because you felt lots of emotions and felt like the luckiest girl in the world, or are you burdened by the weight of this world and the brokenness in which we put our hope and worth in?

both.

after the game, i dropped off three girls. giggling, talking about their school crushes (four wheelies--they "like" someone based off of how much they text! times are a'changin).

i drove back to my teammates house (because i borrow his car, thanks bud). and he knew i was moved with emotion. we walked to the back of his house, found two chairs in the dark, sat and looked at each other. surrounded by beer bottles, a muddy landscape, and barely any light to see each other, we were moved to pray. we prayed deep prayers of plea, gratitude, wonder, majesty. i could not hold back my tears and i let 'em rip (ew, really?). but i could not stop crying because i repeated truth that i have problems believing, yet i could not stop clinging and gripping onto hope. our prayers were dark, deep, sincere and i am lucky. will you bring me back to the backyard in deep peace and prayer because i need you?

beauty and wonder

today is lovely. sitting in my college bedroom in an older, virginia style home. being a housemate of 9 young women. the sun and temperature--really nice. so nice that my broken, oversized windows are open as an invitation for stink bugs, sunlight, and a gentle breeze. i even debated not playing music so i could hear the construction worker poking at the pavement, cars driving by, and birds conversing. not that those are exceptional noises (and i don't even understand bird, so it's not like i have a clue what they are saying), but i'm feeling so grateful and tranquil.

sure, i have a paper to write and my room is a mess, but i can't help but pause and appreciate NOW. living in the present for me...HA, talk about challenging. 60% of the time I'm dreaming big dreams for the future, 20% I'm looking up internships, jobs, universities, 10% I'm in the middle of an application for the next season, and 20% i'm going through old facebook photos from previous experiences and memories.

that's 110%. whatever.

but really, almost ALL of my mind is in the future. the future excites me. it's not long enough, wide enough, deep enough for me to explore and engage with. i want to participate in beauty and wonder. wonder is probably my favorite word. wondering is so majestic, mysterious, freeing. have you ever participated in the beauty and wonder of this world and regretted it? and most of the time i attribute w

onder to the future.

but i want to participate with beauty and wonder of this world right now. what are you doing to participate with creation, humanity, and spirituality? i admit, it is so much easier for me to feel present when the weather is filled with sunshine, clarity, and refreshing air. ugh, i know what you're thinking. you're THAT person who cries for no reason when there are rain clouds hovering. why, yes, yes i am.

but on days like today, and yesterday, and tomorrow, i will use every ounce of energy to stomp on satan's schemes and repeat to myself that the present is what matters. the present is a present. i live a beautiful life because i am being showered with gift after gift after gift. my god has given me a wondrous, magnificent, peculiar mind. i am going to use it. i am going to use my mind and heart. i will cry when i want to cry. i will rejoice, even on shitty days. in shitty circumstances. i will remember just being in your presence is magnificent.

PS- i'm probably back to blogging because i'm giving up twitter for lent. and i am so obnoxiously prideful i suspect everyone still wants to know my thoughts.

PPS- i'm also giving up sweets/treats. I sound like I am an 85 year old woman with diabetes. lord help me.

did you know PS stands for post script? at least that's what Yahoo! Answers tells me.