the scene in titanic

last week i broke my foot. well, it's not definite but there is a strong possibility. what i have to say about that: i am miserable, unmotivated, defeated, insecure. i feel all of those things. but what are you going to do?

last night was a picnic for young life. long story short, all 120 something leaders square danced/country line danced (what's the proper name?) and because of my new best friends (crutches) i had to sit out and watch. I anticipated a pity party, because, come ON, reb LOVES to dance. so I knew it would be hard to watch so many people twirl, spin, and get a kiss on the cheek. (hehe).

luckily no pity party was near. instead, i felt absorbed in the moment of cheering, celebrating, and pure fun. you know the feeling you get when you're watching titanic and Rose is taken to the third class party underneath the boat? and you are just DYING to be with her and be spun by leonardo dicaprio? the screaming irish music, beer toppling over mugs, people letting loose and grabbing on to each other. it is wild and untamed. okay so no one got to dance with leo last night. but the feelings of adrenaline, being free, and excited about life were totally there. i loved being in the midst of chaos and not being able to have time to care about who thinks of who and who is judging who.

I want dance through everyday.

I need you

" I need you to listen. I need for you to not lose heart. I need for you to always choose hope over despair. I need you to know that all seasons pass. I need for you to be courageous in moments that pass without a swelling orchestra or standing ovation. I need for you to believe with all your heart that you are beautiful and created not only to witness, but to participate in beauty and wonder. I need for you to know these truths because someday I will need for you to remind me. I will lose faith just as you have. I will cling to doubt and self pity. And one day you’ll forget what we fought for and why we laughed, and I will remind you of the life we chose to live, believing we’re meant for more than we could ever imagine. "

heaping mount of choco

This past weekend I reconnected with a great friend of mine. Clingy, inseparable, what ever word you would like to choose to describe our annoyingly obsessive, playful, and loving friendship that started ten years ago. It has not always been smooth sailing. We have walked through valleys with each other and cried our eyes out over difficult life situations.

In college, she has pushed through excuses, distractions, and circumstances. She’s called. Called. Called. Texted me. Messaged me. Left voicemails. She does not give up on our friendship.

Saturday night we sat in a local Applebee’s, discussing life over warm doughy cookie, teeth chilling ice cream, and a heaping mount of chocolate cake. We poured our hearts, confessed deep secrets, and laughed about life’s absurdity. We wrestled as we tried to give each other advice, to which we only blankly stared at each other and said, “I am here for you. You are not alone. I understand.” Nothing too substantial or ground breaking, but powerful and needed, noneoftheless.

It didn’t matter what we believed. It did not matter if we agreed on most things. But it did matter that she made me feel on top of the world. In those short couple of hours, I was freed from judgment and divine expectations. I was enough for her because I am Rebecca, a young woman filled with doubts, fears, and uncertainties. But she wanted my honesty and I wanted hers. She wanted to know how I felt, how I get by in life, and if I felt loved. If I wasn’t staring in the face of Jesus, then I am not sure who I was looking at.

That night, the spirit picked me up…he carried me far out of and into my feelings, because he let me feel a lot of goodness and hardship. But he showed me that a life with him is not always extravagant, majestically divine, and filled with epiphanies. Of course, that is a part of it. But as I stared into my friend’s face, I knew he was letting me know it is okay to relax. Let go of some things. Rip a part the image I try to create. Let go of what I want to be and just be, me. Yes, me, included with my doubts, shortcomings, and fears. To throw away the idea that I am clean, have it all together, and know what I am talking about. She showed me to let go and reveal who I really am.

I am grateful he chose my beautifully brave friend to tell me this.